Review: The Apprentice
- Article 6 of 13
- Off the Telly, March 2006
Part reality-TV car crash, part Big Boy's Book of Business, The Apprentice is a television show many people end up loving without really understanding why. It's not as if there are any likeable characters in it, after all. But as a civilised form of torture, it really can't be beaten.
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But it's about now that Mani, with remarkable timing, takes one look at his team's campaign and points out that he meant the card was like a concierge service, not that it was a concierge service. Doom, gloom and more re-editing. Ruth, however, takes it all in her stride and to the surprise of regular viewers, so does bipolar Jo. She greets each new task with the eagerness of a Labrador puppy but then usually spends the allotted time complaining and crying. However here she is eager to stay quiet, knowing that if they fail, Ruth will tether her to a stake with all the other scapegoats, ready for firing.
The final hurdle before showing Sir Alan what his money's bought him is a presentation to advertising giant Saatchi & Saatchi's entire creative team. After Ruth decides to bypass the sulking Mani in favour of the undervalued Samuel, Velocity deliver a blinder and are given the official blessing of Saatchi & Saatchi.
Invicta fares far worse. The world's most important man, the self-styled "entrepreneur" Syed, is trying to keep a low profile. Syed, who confessed guiltily at the beginning of the programme that in the previous task he may have only given Sir Alan 110% rather than the 150% he'd previously claimed, is clearly feeling chastened and wants to be as blameless as possible in future. That leaves Paul to deliver the presentation. Unfortunately, Paul's delivery of the worst jokes in presentation history only result in the contempt of the creatives for Invicta's campaign. Suddenly, he realises he's in deep trouble.
So come the final presentation of the campaigns to Sir Alan for his impatient evaluation, like all Splendid Chaps who think they are in deep trouble with the boss, Paul preemptively dumps on his entire team before the results are even announced. "I had to come up with the idea," Paul grumpily explains. "I was expecting more of them. Especially Sharon." The looks of his team mates could have killed and had Sir Alan not thrown Ruth's lot to the lions instead, it's likely they'd have done a lot more to Paul outside than just look at him.
But all is quickly forgiven, because Alan sends successful Invicta off for a champagne and fashion show treat, leaving Ruth to pick two other candidates from her squad for potential ejection from the building. After approximately a millisecond's contemplation, Ruth nominates Mani and Jo for target practice.
Sir Alan's not best pleased. He was speaking English when he'd explained what he wanted: did they have some problems understanding the language? No, Sir Alan.
So who's to blame? At first, Ruth almost gets herself fired, when it becomes clear she's brought Jo in because she doesn't like her, rather than because of any terrible failing on the curly-haired, curly-brained one's part. But it's Mani, who has "gone from anchor to wanker" since the start of the series, Sir Alan decides, thanks to his overstated presentation skills being exposed in previous tasks as simple gobbiness.
To his credit, on the taxi ride home from Sir Alan's offices, Mani gives an atypical Apprentice exit interview and instead of blaming everyone else, decides to face up to failure and get on with his life. Whether anyone will hire him after displaying his "talents" on-screen remains to be seen.
The remaining candidates walk off into the sunset, hoping to prove themselves in the next test. As a job interview it sucks and you have to wonder why management consultants and "entrepreneurs" among others would put themselves through it, just to be shouted at professionally by an easily irritated former market trader. But as a more genteel form of the village stocks, The Apprentice works just fine. A modern-day capitalistic morality play, it teaches aspiring Gordon Geckos that strutting around like a peacock won't get you your business rewards in this life; only by sticking to the one true path of competence will you make your way to the sweet taste of Sugar heaven.
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