Why twentysomethings should shut up about Eighties television
- Article 2 of 3
- The Tribe, October 2000
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And let’s not forget that the 80s also spawned Inspector Morose – an hour’s worth of yawning extended into two hours, just to keep us on the edge of our bath chairs – that led to the endless series of adaptations of useless English crime novels that no one had ever read until they were made into TV shows and which should really have been buried at the bottom of the authors’ gardens and used as compost. I’m talking about A Touch of Frost, Midsomer Murders, and Inspector Wexford as well as all those others that fell by the wayside in the 90s because viewers were having to stick forks into their legs to stay awake while they were on (Sam Saturday, Resnick, Anna Lee, etc).
I mean, have you already forgotten Bergerac? It was set on Jersey, for heaven’s sake! How much crime can one microscopic island have – particularly one that’s only there for tax dodges and which no one lives on? How can Lisa Goddard be cast as a femme fatale cat burglar without the whole audience laughing so hard their warm milks come out through their noses?
The memory cheats. So take a quick test for me. If you answer any of the following questions with a yes, you’re going to need help.
- Men: Are you ever tempted to roll the sleeves on your jacket up?
Women: If you ever wear a suit, do your shoulderpads make you look like an American football player? - Have you ever said “I love it when a plan comes together”?
- Car owners:
- Do you own a Ford Capri?
- Have you ever done a hand-break turn in it?
- Do you wish it could talk or have a flashing red light at the front?
- Do you really want Kylie Minogue to get back into acting?
- Does the phrase “Zammo chased the dragon and got a smack on the nose” warm you with nostalgia? How about “Ro-land!”?
- Men: If Blake’s 7 and Charlie’s Angels were repeated, would you really have to think about which one not to watch?
Women: Do you still have a thing for men in black leather – and have bitter memories of your dad switching over from Blake’s 7 to Charlie’s Angels?
If you answered yes to any of the above, the best medicine you could ever take is to actually watch the programmes you still love after all these years.
They’re arse. Remember that.
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